Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Big Foodspiracy

It all started with the cheesecake flavored cream cheese, clearly one of the most brilliant culinary innovations ever conceived.  And so obvious too!  I'd like to think that a single tear welled up in the eye of who ever came up with the idea.  Maybe they ran through the streets naked yelling, "Eureka!  Eureka!"  Then, for days afterwards, they probably walked around shaking their head and saying, "Why didn't we think of this before?  Why, oh why, didn't we think of this before?"  Yes, cheesecake that you could spread on a bagel.  The world was good.  Everything felt right.

But then it was gone.  And soon the pineapple and strawberry flavors disappeared as well - even the blueberry.  What was left?  Salmon flavor and onion & chive.  Yuck!  Now, I know that grocery stores are driven by the principle of supply and demand, just like any business, but salmon???  More popular than cheesecake flavor???  Really!?  I'm sure there are plenty of snooty cocktail parties where people are smearing that salmon shit all over their crackers or whatever, but who wouldn't like the cheesecake flavor?  It's cream cheese, for crying out loud!  It spreadable cheesecake!  How can you go wrong?  It would be like vanilla ice cream losing out to Grub Worm & Tabasco parfait.  But hey, apparently the salmon flavor must sell better.  Either that or I don't know shit about how grocery stores work.

And it wasn't just the cream cheese.  It started to seem like anything I liked just up and vanished.  I found this spicy sloppy joe mix.  *poof*  Gone.  I found this chili cheese dip to spread on my tacos.  *poof*  Gone.  Vanilla Pepsi, this awesome creamy mustard shrimp sauce, these great hot dog buns.  *poof* *poof* *poof*  Sometimes I would reach for something on the shelf and it would just poof right out of existence right before my eyes, snatched away just as my hand was about to close around it, leaving just a little whisper of blue smoke behind.  Okay, that part never happened.  But still.

Of course, I know that there really is no great conspiracy here.  No one is tracking my purchases and then pulling my favorite items from the shelves just so that they can slowly starve me to death and watch my mind unravel in the process.  At least I hope not.  No, I guess it's just the price I pay for living in a world where everyone doesn't have the same wonderfully sophisticated taste in food that I do.  *sigh*  I remember the Elvis Reece Cups, peanut butter and banana.  I knew they were doomed from the start.  I knew that such a thing could never last.  Hell, even I was skeptical about them at first.  But they were the...BEST!  Just before they were discontinued, I saw them selling in a store for ten cents apiece.  I cleaned out the rest of their stock.  I knew those were the last ones I would ever have.  *sniff*

Well, now that I've made myself sound like the biggest pig on the planet, I guess it's time to turn the floor of to you guys and ask if anyone else has run into this problem.  Have any of you found your favorite offbeat brands and flavors disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle of consumer products?  Do you think that maybe there's a grocery store in Heaven where all this stuff goes?  Where they sell nothing but Elvis Reece Cups and cheesecake flavored cream cheese?  Mmmm....     

13 comments:

  1. I remember Vanilla Pepsi! I loved that stuff! And I'm a HUGE Coke person, so that's saying something! All of those other products though, I'm not as familiar with. I have noticed the shocking lack of cream cheese flavors these days, though. It's sad, really.

    What I've missed a great deal over the years is Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. I loved that stuff, and now all they have with Heath in it is coffee flavored ice cream. I don't like coffee, so you can imagine my chagrin. Oh, and for a while Breyers made a fudge ripple ice cream with mini M&Ms. What happened there? Huh? SO not cool!

    Sigh. I feel your pain, my friend. I really do.

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    1. Oooooh, Heath Bar Crunch. Now that sounds good.

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    2. BINGO you made up my mind for me. Tomorrow's my birthday & I just requested Tom Selleck cake. Don't like the man or his nasty mustache, but luv that cake.
      All you do is bake a german chocolate cake. Poke holes in the top. Pour butterscotch ice-cream topping over it. Ice it with coolwhip & sprinkle it with Heath Bar crumbles. Yummy!

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  2. Tutti Fruiti Ice Cream, made in-house at Winter's luncheonette. Maybe because I'm from NYC - but yes, of course, salmon flavored cream cheese, for those times when you can't get lox (smoked salmon) for your bagel. Cheese cake flavored cream cheese? Last time I looked cheese cake was flavored cream cheese...

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    Replies
    1. "Cheese cake flavored cream cheese? Last time I looked cheese cake was flavored cream cheese..."

      Exactly. That's why it's so obvious ;)

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    2. Basically, I guess it was sweetened cream cheese, and... whatever else they add to go from cream cheese to cheesecake. It was just spreadable in a tub. Very tasty on a bagel.

      To be fair, I never tried the salmon flavor, but then I'm not a very big fish person. Onion & chives sounds even worse.

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    3. Ooh - onion and chives is my second favorite - but not for breakfast. I buy only onion bagels - even my cat prefers them to plain or egg. Back home in NYC, it was always warm everything bagels with veggies cream cheese most Sunday mornings (followed by jelly donuts with cinnamon sugar from the Peter Pan bakery...)

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  3. I just gave Philadelphia my $.02 worth for ya, Bryan. I told them to cut out the reverse psychology crap of depriving me of their Ready-To-Eat Cheesecake Filling so I'll want it more. I also called them Nazis. It has 635 facebook likes & the other flavors have zero. I haven't noticed if they've stopped selling it 'round here, but I'm gonna want it come summer when I make waffle cones. Sooo yummy melted together with the marshmellows & chocolate.

    Anyhow, I like Vanilla Pepsi too. Grocery stores 'round here are basically no better than 3rd world anymore. I have to make my own vanilla pepsi now at the gas station on the touch-screen soda fountain. You might try that. Pepsi with 2 shots vanilla in it isn't bad if the soda isn't watered down.
    My husband is from Detroit & was raised on Vernors soda. We used to be able to drive 60 miles to St.Louis to buy it & now they don't even sell it there. We have to get it UPS now or drive out of our way to get it when we go visit our daughter in Clearfield Pa. So much hazzle over a dumb ginger ale soda that I don't even like.

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    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks for having my back ;D

      The stores around here sell Vernor's, thankfully. Definitely my favorite ginger ale. I've done the do-it-yourself vanilla Pepsi thing. Pretty good. I don't know why I don't do it more often.

      Waffle smores sounds pretty damn good.

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    2. The husband claims Vernors is a cure-all. He makes stuff with it. I only let it in my fridge 'cause I think the can is pretty.

      Said it wrong twice. I mean waffle cone smores. You fill the cone up with Hersheys & such & cheesecake cream cheese & marshmellows. Then you wrap it in foil & put it on a grill over your campfire coals. Easier & not as messy as smores.

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  4. I meant waffle smores. Hungry now. Your fault. :)

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  5. Ah, a little thing called Hostess Cupcakes, if anyone in this Digital ADHD Age remembers those.

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    Replies
    1. It is amazing how quickly people forget.

      I think it got to be ridiculous how expensive the Hostess stuff got after a while. It wasn't bad if you got them out of a vending machine, but if you picked them up at a gas station, it was like $1.79 for a pack of Twinkies! No wonder the frigging things weren't selling.

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