Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Straight from the Tap

I've been hearing a lot recently about Extreme Breastfeeding.  This is where parents raise children made entirely out of butter and then the kids come home from college on the weekends to suck on mommy's tit and hear a "bedtwime storwy."  It's basically just a concerted effort to destroy the human race by women who don't know when to stop smothering their children and people who take for granted the luxury of being able to survive as a nice soft marshmallow in our technological civilization.  Now, this is a big subject and I couldn't hope to give it the full, rounded treatment that it deserves.  I don't think that I could get in there and explore both sides and really bury my face in...*ahem* Sorry about that.

There was something, however, that caught my ear the other day.  They were talking about this shit on Dr. Phil.  There was this woman going on about how she still breast feeds her four year old son and how they've already picked out a nice big house with a motel in the desert when he can prop up her corpse and dress up in her clothes after she dies.  There was some commotion from the audience.  One woman stood up and said it was disgusting because the child already had his teeth. Another guy in the audience, clearly irritated, responding by saying, "Why is it disgusting?  It's not like there's an offical time to stop breast feeding."  *facepalm*

There's an old joke that I heard years ago that I like to tell from time to time.  Like all good jokes, it contains a seed of truth.  There's this man that hears that a storm is coming and the whole area is going to be flooded.  His friend stops by and says that they're evacuating and offers him a ride, but the man just says, "No, go ahead.  God will save me."  Later, the flooding starts and he climbs up onto the roof of his house.  Another guy comes along with a boat and offers him a ride, but again the man refuses, saying, "No, go ahead.  God will save me." Later still, a guy comes by with a helicopter, but again the man refuses to be rescued and says, "No, go ahead.  God will save me."  Finally, the man drowns, and when he gets to Heaven, he appears before God and asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"  God looks a little confused by the question and replies, "What are you talking about?  I sent a car, a boat, and a helicopter."

It seems to that this "official time limit" asshole is a bit like the man in the joke.  He scoffs at the idea, but let's think for a minute how that would work.  In this context, I must assume that by "official" he means set by nature.  Otherwise, he's even more fucking clueless than I thought.  Now, how would nature go about signaling such a limit?  Well, other such milestones in our lives are usually heralded by biological changes.  We start ovulating, we stop ovulating, hair starts growing in weird places, voices change, curves take shape.  So, offhand, I would guess that nature would signal that it was time for a child to be weaned off the breast and started on solid food around the time that, say, THEY START GROWING FUCKING TEETH!!!

But hey, that's not good enough for this jackass.  No, he wants nature to smack him upside the head with a big rubber dick and yell, "Stop fucking doing that!" before he considers it "official."  But hey, they're your kids buddy.  You can breast feed them into the next century for all I care.  Just don't leave them out in the sun too long or they'll melt.  Don't say I didn't warn you.    


  1. Shit! I think I just accidentally deleted the last fifty comments while I was trying to weed out some of the spam. Sorry folks.

  2. Well...now I'm glad I didn't comment until now. I escaped "The Great Comment Deletion of 2013." :)

    I totally agree with what you're saying here. My kids didn't breast feed past their first birthdays. And that's only because that's the "recommended" timeline. I can NOT imagine going any further into their lifespan than that. Let's move forward, people!

    PS: The "Psycho" reference? AWESOME!!!

    1. "The Great Comment Deletion of 2013." Ha!

      Yeah, I wish there was a trash file where the comments linger in limbo for a while after you delete them, like with emails. I was trying to get rid of this one spam comment and I accidentally hit the "select all" box at the top, and then *poof!* At least it was just the last fifty, instead of every comment ever posted here.

      They say breast feeding is the best thing for the baby. The operative word, of course, being "baby." When the kid gets to be four it's a little weird. I saw one story where this woman was still breast feeding her kids and the oldest was eight! The husband would feed too, and they were one big suckling family. Uggghhhh...

      It's a tricky subject to address, because if someone doesn't already have a natural, gut, aversion to hearing something like that, it's hard to tell them what the problem is. It's like trying to tell someone with no sense of smell that washing themselves with dog crap is a bad idea. Except in this case the people are extremely self-righteous about having no sense of smell and they just shake their head at all the ignorant people who are unenlightened about the wonders of dog crap soap.

  3. My wife went a little overboard with the breast shakes, I think 16 or 18 months, something like that. Not sure if I agree or disagree, or agree to disagree, or disagree so I don't have to agree. In any case, the benefits of it far outweigh formula in my opinion. I don't think my nearly 4 year old daughter should still be suckling the tit of momma's milk either. Part of me thinks those women who continue well beyond the means are mental and have a slight "love affair" with the child. Which sounds sick, but in this world, a very possible reality.

  4. It is definitely gross at a certain point. I would say the end all be all should be when the child can literally walk up and tell you they are hungry. Ew. Which is to say, I think 16 to 18 months is fine...

    1. Agreed. 18 months is nothing compared to how crazy some of these people are getting with it.