Bass Ackwards

At both my old job and my new job I've known quite a few people who absolutely insist on backing into their parking spaces.  I mean, like, every time without fail.  It was especially popular with the women at the plastic factory, because God knows if one of them blew the whistle on a big old train of stupid, then the rest of them would all be clamoring for tickets.  My next door neighbor even insists on backing into her driveway, which is all the more amazing to me because we live on an extremely busy street and she has to completely hold up traffic to do it.  Me, I'm just trying to hurry up and swing into my driveway before some fool hits me for not getting out of his way fast enough.

Now, I can certainly understand the appeal of the whole backwards parking maneuver.  You've got your snout pointed out; you're ready to pop right out of the gate; you've got your shades on and money in the bank.  *Boom*  You're good to go.  And yet, it seems to me to be the very epitome of the phrase "more trouble than it's worth."  I watch people go through this whole ridiculous routine all the time.  It's like watching someone try to slide a dildo up a nervous donkey's ass.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Trying to jimmy it an inch here or an inch there and getting it lined up jussssttt... so.  Yeah.  Congratulations, you just wasted ten minutes trying to save yourself two seconds later in the day.

Really, how hard is it to back out of a parking space?  That sounds like a rhetorical question, I know, but I actually have the answer.  I thought long and hard about it.  I searched my soul.  I went on pilgrimages.  I climbed the mountains.  I broke bread with the natives and learned their language.  I had a child with the chief's daughter.  We called him Hoppa Gnoa, which I was told means, "Good Harvest."  And finally, I got down to the bottom of this whole parking business, and I managed to come up with a very precise mathematical expression for how hard it is to back out of a parking space.

So now I present to you my findings. *Drumroll*  Backing out of a parking space = Backing INTO a parking space ÷ Trying to slide a key into a lock before an axe murder catches you.  In other words, for those of you who aren't savvy with the numbers, backing into a parking space is always "trying to slide a key into a lock before an axe murder catches you" times MORE DIFFICULT than simply pulling out of the fucking space when it's time to leave.  It's basic math here folks.  So to everyone who thinks they're getting a leg up on the rest of humanity by pulling this shit, you're not.  Working ahead isn't always the same as saving time and effort.

But Bryan, I hear you saying, I like to back into my parking spaces.  What business is it of yours?  Well for starters, I don't feel like watching you smash into my car because you're turning the simple act of parking into some kind of fucking Chinese juggling act.  Also, it just helps when we're all on the same page, swinging our driver's doors the same way and on the same side so that we're not slamming them against each other.  I get enough of that shit at the dinner table from being left-handed.  Besides, you're not docking the HMS Puckered Asshole here; you're parking a car.  Can you just do it and get on with your day?